Motherhood

Motherhood doesn’t begin when you have a baby in your arms. It begins when you have a baby on your mind.

It begins when you get disappointed as you see the specks of red every month. It begins when you start tracking each day of each month with ovulation tests. It begins when you start injecting yourself with medicines to convince.

Motherhood is not just for mothers that have babies to hold in their arms. It is for mothers that have babies to hold in their heart.

It is for mothers that have lost babies to miscarriages. It is for mothers that have lost babies to complications. It is for mothers that have lost babies to accidents.

We all speak of what it is like to have a baby but seldom do we speak of the labor that a woman goes through to get there, both emotional and physical. It is not always simple or straightforward. There are women who cannot conceive and long for babies. There are women who go through multiple intrusive treatments. There are women who wonder why they cannot seem to cross the magical mark of the first trimester and lose babies to miscarriage. There are women who have no choice but to choose to abort. All of them are mothers in their own right.

I can only share my story in the hopes of spreading some hope to mothers who long to hold a baby in their arms. I’ve lost and I’ve longed. I have a baby to show for the pain of this pregnancy. I have nothing but a handful of tears to show for the pain of my others. I’ve wondered more than once if I did something wrong, if I could’ve done something different or if I am somehow insufficient.

Pregnancy never gets easier. Trying to conceive and getting disappointed each month is hard. Conceiving and living each and every second in constant doubt is hard. Tracking every milestone, the first trimester, the anatomy scan, the V date (viability date in case of preterm birth), the actual birth in and of itself is hard. Constantly waiting for reassurance is hard. And moms push through it all.

Here’s a shoutout to all the women in each and every phase of their journey – because it is just that, a journey. Happy Mother’s Day. You are perfect as you are.